Imz Gets it Done

Life is lifeing really hard right now. Yesterday I went for a run and I realized my sinuses are in a way worse condition than I thought I could control, because the pain of this tight swelling feeling inside has territorialized the right side of my head. In fact, the day before that, I woke up and a bit behind that area was numb. It freaked me out because I didn’t know I could feel numbness up there. But yeah, running somehow opens up my sinuses and clears out a lot of the stagnant mucus I guess and allows me to get a better picture of what it’s actually like in there when it’s not clogged. And it feels like the tissue in the right part of my face and around my ear is slightly thickened, it feels tight, and like theres less room in there. The area behind my eye in the last two weeks about has made itself heard because it feels like the swelling there which I had hardly noticed before has come to exist as a new thing I must be aware of. Overall, something is going on. & the worst part is, it used to be only up there in the right side of my face where all the weird painful stuff happened (started from food allergies and sensitivities) but now I feel pain *down there*. Yes, you know what I mean. When I get exposed to a reactant it honestly feels like this line, or meridian, I like to call it, on the right side of my body that emanates from my right face down to the area between my right thigh and right testicle–straight up. & now I’m having weird sensations in my body all through out that line– In my chest, in my lower abdomen, in my stomach.

Okay so, why don’t I go see a doctor right. Wrong. I tried seeing my ENT three months ago about, but I was notified my insurance wasn’t covered in his practice anymore, and that I would have to pay 300$ for the appointment. I left. I should have stayed and afterwards my Dad offered to pay, but the guilt and shame of not being able to cover it myself– I guess my pride got in the way. But it wasn’t that serious then. I went to get my sinuses checked out because I was going to start a special diet and wanted a before comparison. So by all means, paying 300$ for that, to me at that time, seemed not super important. Unfortunately, now I’m worrying I have the, “Big C”, and the cost of that…

I spent all of today trying to schedule an appointment because of some other bs with my insurance– even just trying to find a doctor in my network. I don’t like this plan and I’m paying almost 300$ a month for it. Because I hardly make any money. The irony. Finding even a sh*tty job has been the most difficult part of this journey. & now I have to quit my Jimmy John’s job because I am deathly afraid of being around and dealing with bread, that it will spur on a reaction. I have yet to vacuum my car (I do not own it) from all the apparent dust thats in there from my Jersey Mike’s job. I noticed that when I sit in it, I immediately begin to feel my sinuses swell and that point *down there* begin to hurt.

On another note, for this month if I do manage to see my ENT I will probably have to pay 300$ anyways because I realized looking at my plan today that I have to use up my deductible before insurance covers it for “specialists”. Woe is me. Honestly I don’t know why I picked that one– literally what was I thinking. I’m also now looking for a urologist within network. The good thing is it is open enrollment I can get a new plan for next year– the bad thing is that I have no income and again do not apply for a premium tax credit. I’m going to have to fake some numbers if I don’t want to pay 500$ a month upfront. Sure, the IRS will ask for it all back at the end of next year (I presume that’s how it works… I better know for sure), but God Willing I will have a decent job where I can offload the payments slowly and not be in a hospital getting treated for prostate cancer. May God give me ease and healing.

I’ve managed to accumulate almost 7,000$ in debt over the past couple years, and interest payments are the worst. I get charged almost 150$ extra a month. & now I don’t have the pocket change income anymore to cover that. There’s more but I’ll leave that there.

The good news. I have a “one-way video assessment” with a company I’m really passionate about. I plan to do it tomorrow.

There’s some other stuff on my mind. Stuff I gotta vent. I’m turning 27 in two weeks. 27. I don’t like where I’m at in life. I like who I am but I don’t even know if that matters in our society. Or maybe I’m wrong to like who I am because the parts about me that I dislike, like being dependent on my parents at this manly age, and dealing with this illness, have pretty staggering effects on me and everyone in my life. The funniest part about this week of all weeks, where all this has culminated to now, is that my parents want to throw a big party this weekend, the kind they haven’t in a while, where I will have to host at least 12 other guys around my age and I secretly dread being asked, “so what do you do?”, or even having to talk about anything with them, because my mind is so pre-occupied with my own problems right now. What do I do? I’ve taken a break with the photography stuff because there isn’t a rap battle till late december, although I’m behind on sorting and sending photos. I quit my 20-hour a week job at Jimmy Johns today. I volunteered twice in the last two weeks to fulfill my community service. And a few times in the month before that. But that’s only 10 hours a month. I don’t know what I do. I’m half-heartedly job searching for a real job. The reason for that is I don’t feel qualified for mostly anything. I went out to the rich part of my city and talked to a manager at the Brazilian Steakhouse about hiring me, but no guarantees on that end. Sure I did a 35-hour work week between Jimmy Johns and Jersey Mikes, but that was just one week. I’m trying to escape my poverty, and my house, by getting a waiting job– but I guess those are difficult to come by too.

Everything feels difficult lately. The only thing that didn’t was that job I have the assessment for. That felt like a perfect match and I think it’s why I got the opportunity to interview if you want to call it that. My passion reflected in my cover letter. But now I’m hesitant and almost feel like I won’t get it because of the fact that it’s not a real interview, and also because of this dream I had a few months ago and something that happened when I was at the library yesterday.

My dream was about me asking a coworker of mine, if she had any ideas about what I could do to make some extra money. I asked her because one day we were talking and she told me she, “likes money”. There’s a couple other interesting details about her but it’s not super relevant for this part. In the dream, she pointed me to go to this house and I would get work there. So I go there, I’m sitting on the bench outside the door, waiting, and waiting a little longer than I would have liked. Finally I’m inside and I’m sitting at a table stamping papers, doing something with official documents. This couple comes up to me and they want to get married. It’s a pious looking couple, a guy wearing a kufi and a thobe, he has a beard, and his fiancee is wearing an abaya and a pink hijab. I sign off on some contract and tell them they are good to go. I do this for some time and then I quit, the reason I’m not quite sure of but quitting is never really a good outlook.

Fast forward to yesterday, I’m at the library, looking fo jobs on indeed. I’m sitting at this table in the corner, and where I’m positioned somebody from the right who turns the corner into the portion of the library where I’m at, won’t see me till there inside. Anyways, I’m scrolling for jobs similiar to one I got the interview for, and I find this job as an intake specialist for a company called XO Marriage. But wait, it gets weirder. I didn’t think much of it, until, this little kid, probably about 6, with someone who looks like his Grandma, turns the corner into the area and the Grandma says something about sitting at the table in the corner, where I am. She obviously doesn’t register someone is already sitting there, and then the kid walking in front her a couple paces sees that there is in fact, someone sitting there, and he stops in front of the table, points directly at me, and says, “Look, there is a person already sitting there”. At which point, the Grandma says nothing and prods him to shuffle along. Mind you, this is exactly the moment I am reading the job description after having just clicked the listing. It was like the universe wanting me to notice this particular moment.

Prior to that I was looking at website for another restaurant I got the manager contact info for that night I went to Brazao, and before that, I noticed this kid who worked at the Jersey Mike’s job with me was sitting at a table further away getting tutored on some math concepts– which was completely random and also not because I had prayed that I would not see him per say, but the kid he bullies so I could give him some advice. Perhaps I was meant to talk to this kid actually. Did I? No. He left while I my head was down. Could I have done more of an effort to get his attention? Sure. I almost assumed he would see me and come over to me because he definitely respects me– but you know how assumptions work.

Anyways. So now I am adamant on applying to the XO Marriage position, despite not having two of years of sales consulting experience which they require. I don’t know how I’ll maneuver my way into this, but I can try. & if I dreamed it, because I’ve dreamt some other premonitions, who knows, maybe I’ll be helping keeping marriages intact– and not for a pittance.

Something else. I really enjoy praying when I can get myself to do it. I will probably be praying a lot more now due to the pressure on me, and the thought of losing my health. It was the same way when I thought I was going to jail. You know, last week when I had applied to that job I now have the video assessment for, I randomly went to go pray at the masjid a day or two later. & it wasn’t out of pressure, it was actually the opposite. I felt like things were good and calm and the the enclosing box of time and responsibility on me was for a moment lifted. Like I had time to go to the mosque, and time to pray without the weight of the world pushing me in some direction or the other. I had momentarily felt free. & I chose to go and pray. The next morning, I kid you not, I open my email, and it’s an invitation to do the interview.

I had read somewhere, when you pray on time, so are your blessings on time too.