Imz Gets it Done

too stressed to do anything other than write. It’s moments like these when I remember times I felt I was really living. It’s moments like these I hearken back to times I felt like I should have gone one way versus another. Regrets. I really could be doing a lot more right now than talking about this sad sh*t. The health issues and the money issues and the added family stress has me in low mood. Not to mention I had like two wet dreams in the past week and that is not helping my semen retention streak at all. That’s also a contributor to my low mood, hormonally. I project that tomorrow my physiology will level and I will feel better.

I’m doing a 24-hour fast into a fruit only diet. When I did a 24-hour fast the first time, I felt incredibly sharp and I could breathe through my nose again. I felt like I was on adderall in a sense but much cleaner and without the jitters. To think food slows me down that much. The first time I did a 3-day fruit fast, progressively by the third night I could feel the swelling in my nose reduce and I could actually breathe through it and sleep. I was astounded that this may be a cure for all that was going on up there, and it was revolutionary for me because I was still eating. Of course, there aren’t many calories being taken in when just eating fruit and as an already skinny dude, it wasn’t sustainable.

So what am I doing different this time? Well to start, my dad made fish today because a few days ago I mentioned I was going pescatarian, which is before I decided to go just fruit, and so he made fish thinking I would eat it today. I’m genuinely contemplating eating it right now and breaking my 24-fast because… I want too. And now I’m perhaps wondering if I’m doing this fast all wrong because I didn’t start it by eating a big meal before. I kind of just woke up late and said hey, I should do this, and then committed to it at 1pm after only eating some dates, nuts, and a banana. Part of the reason I want to do it is because I want to be very mentally sharp by the time I do my video assessment in the morning tomorrow. But now I’m also thinking I should finish the rice I made the other day before going all in on the fruit diet so it doesn’t go to waste (not like my parents can’t eat it). I’m overthinking all of this anyways. & maybe I’m doing too much about the assessment. Say I do eat now, I stop at 8pm. I’ll have fasted 16-hours by the time it’s 12pm. The mental sharpness doesn’t kick in till about 20 hours. But if don’t break my fast now then when it’s 9am tomorrow, I’ll be feeling that sharpness big time.

Eff it. I’m gonna keep it. I’m a soldier. I also find it really stupid that this idea of fish my dad just made is seriously tempting me. It’s like it was programmed in for me to ‘take the bait’. lol.

Regardless, sorry for that ridiculous tangent. Back to the question, what am I doing different to keep the benefits of a 3-day fruit fast after the 3-days while keeping up a healthy body mass index? I can’t just keep eating fruit. Wrong. I can but I will supplement with vegetables. Quinoa should do, sautted carrrots and zuchinnis and some other stuff (I used to make this really great breakfast vegetable dish), and then maybe a week in see about fish.

Drats, I forgot about the party on Sunday. That’s gonna mess up my goals. I want to do this really clean. Maybe I should eat as much as I can till Sunday. Then the 24-hour fast, then the fruit diet. That way I can get enough fruit and vegetables without having to leave the house and shop over the weekend (very energy-consuming on already low cals). I feel like I’m psy-oping myself into breaking this fast. I could really just do the 24-hours for the interview, then not start the fruit diet till Monday. But no, I’m adamant on starting the fruit diet off a 24-hour fast. I don’t want to do two 24-hour fasts, but maybe I should with the way it’s looking.

Dude, I have so much other sh*t to do than riff about this.

Honestly, after Sunday I’ll probably have to do a 24-hour fast anyways to completely flush out my gut. SO regardless I’m doing one then. The good thing about all this is that it’s making me think ahead.

I’ve also concluded, that prior to my assessment I will need the focus to prepare of which I may not have if I am starved– and that is the reason I am giving myself to eat now. It sort of is in conflict with the idea that I’m super sharp, because if your sharp you should be able to focus too. I think I can actually, and will. I just want to eat because now I’ve pushed my 24-hour fast of which I don’t want to do twice, to Monday.

I guess being mentally sharp is not that important to me for this video assessment. & that’s the truth.

Fish 1, Soldier 0.

No, I won’t lose. Forget about the fish.

Random topic switch. Can you imagine, my Dad is retired and get’s to watch The Great British Bakeoff everyday without feeling any guilt or urgency. Whereas a floor above I’m here writing this sh*t about needing work, and wanting to start an independent life, and all this other stuff like a maniac trying to escape the clutches of a life of dependency. My early and mid twenties are lost on me. I could have done so much, been somebody already, but I squandered it all by never sticking to one thing. I never blamed myself completely, but maybe that’s why I’m in the situation I am today. Blaming oneself radically builds critical thinking skills. My excuses were always manipulative parents, recurring health issues, and my own impulsive decisions. Had I put it all on myself, I probably could have learned to see through and deal with those things. I just would have been a better man.

And that’s what I’m doing now. That’s why I took the job at the sandwich shop. That’s why I took another one at Jersey Mike’s. My plan was to save up by my birthday in November and buy a van. My tax refund would hit and I’d have just enough. But I’ve been humbled with at present having no job from having two and I’ll only have about half the money saved needed to buy a van. I got into an argument with my mom about a month ago and I was so confident I’d be out of the house by late November that I dismissed her threats and her rage, but at present it’s looking like I’ll have to deal with them, and her with me. If I decide to be homeless instead it will only worry her and my dad more and make their lives worse than I’m making them now, being the deadbeat 27-year old I am under their roof. Honestly thought my life would be way cooler externally than it is now– regrets, amirite.

There’s just a level of capable I haven’t been able to get too. I really feel I have a rich inner life, but it’s only possible to carry out because I’ve been eating off another man’s plate for my entire adulthood so far. I guess that’s what people mean when they say they owe everything to their parents. It’s a pretty material sentiment if you ask me. But this world is material. & I couldn’t have gotten my cherished art classes in my childhood, without my mom seeing I liked art and my dad having the money to make it happen. I guess he’s a better man than me even though he couldn’t raise me to become as capable as he is. I suppose he never taught me how to fish, or I never wanted to learn. Either way if it’s his failure or mine, we’re both feeling the effects of it’s consequences.

Trying to live in this system being me has been a consistent cycle of disappointment for the past four and a half years, and I’m so sorry to everyone I have let down. Including myself.

I really hope I get this job. I really hope it’s for me.

& I suppose eating that 🐟, would seem really wrong right now.