Imz Gets it Done

Nov 13 ~ 17

I see angels. or jinns. Rather they appear in moments indicative of seeing beyond the veil.

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A recent thought is I need to submit to my feelings. I bought into the whole, “make the most of every opportunity” thing. Some opportunities although they present themselves, are not for you. More tests. What will you do with your time. I’m also attempting to focus on myself more. To move from my own POV. Been consuming so much and hardly creating I don’t know who I am anymore. Being around these people I can’t express my happiness around for four and half years has not helped. In fact I’m starting to think it’s my death knell. My Dad really wants me to change that. He wants me to be more expressive. But even he can’t control some of his reactions to my expressions– and so he stays quiet, and I know he’s disapproving. That’s probably where I got my inability to hide things. Actually my Mom is like that too. I’ve gotten good at just masking a stone cold face and reaction to their outbursts, or lines of questioning that aren’t without expectation. Yes, I need to move out. No, I don’t have money.

But back to the jinns and angels thing.

Oh wait something else I realized that I need to remember. I am very attractive when I’m happy or excited. & I’m very unattractive when I’m sad. & that’s a rule I must submit too. As much as I’d like to still be social when I’m sad sometimes, to vent, or maybe I had some responsibility of reaching out to someone I just couldn’t put off any longer. Whatever reason I give myself— I need to remember when I’m sad my emotional intelligence is reduced, my ability to filter and vet thoughts are overcome by my desires to want to share and know, I disregard ‘discretion and diplomacy’. I’m just less tactful, & too unaware of me being ugly, hurtful, or weird in my comfortability with this person whom I think is cool enough to let all that by the wayside and root for me regardless. That’s not how trust is built. That’s how relationships are destroyed. I think giving excuses for my irascible (whatever the sad version of that is) mood is enough to excuse my low-performing communication skills, but it’s not. & I also become a watcher and a copier. I listen and don’t interject where I need to. I don’t reveal my true feelings– I’m incapable of it because I’m slow. I’m slow when I’m sad. Whether the slowness is because I’m sad or it’s because of anxiety and worry from my sinus pain and that is the cause of my melancholy with the world… either way staying alone when I feel down is the right move. I swear it is and if you tell me otherwise your heart is in a good place but you are misguided.

But yeah, back to one of my favorite subjects I guess.

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Nov 27, 2025

I haven’t seen Angel or Jinn in a while. I have had synchronous moments where things made my life feel like a damn cartoon. Like watching The Breakfast Club with my family on my birthday, and afterwards showing my brother a song from the 80’s I would listen to whenever I got to painting a mural for a project I was working on in 2023, only to find that the set of the music video for the song had the exact elements and theme of my mural. Uncannily. Like God was talking to me and telling me this culmination is measured, exact, written, and supposed to be. I would go into detail and it would make a much more interesting story, but I’d rather not reveal my identity this soon.

I came to the understanding a while ago that on the journey to be better, the trials are more difficult but the wonderful moments are more wonderful. I feel that I am enduring a great trial right now. And things do look up as well, but they also look incredibly demanding and tense. Translation; I need to act now or my death will be premature. It’s actually not dramatic at all, because it’s so real. Again, don’t feel like going into detail– but it has to do with my allergies to things– which I’m attempting to heal.

Dec 3, 2025

Healing is working, thanks to God. The one thing making all the difference is my diet, and intermittent fasting. Fasting gives my body to the energy to repair, and going vegetarian and avoiding starchy foods is keeping my right sinus more open than not. Also the pain *down there* has reduced significantly and into light strain, or soreness, or is a symptom spread from something else in my right lower stomach. It really might be a gut problem now. Anyhow, eating this clean and not eating that much is making my life bearable to where I can live with myself (meaning I can get things done), and removing the doom that is present in some of my previous (unpublished, maybe) posts.

SR has been magical to say the least, and I recognize I’m not even that far in the streak. I’m 44 days going strong, and that’s after fighting a serious urge the past two days. I realized, to sit through it with oneself and oneself only, is the best way to get through it. All the energy inside reforms itself to shave away old programming in the mind, enlightens me to new ways of being and seeing, and I leave feeling evolved into a newer and better version myself. SR is semen retention, and can for the most part be interchanged with the word celibacy.

Through this process, my relationship to the way I view women has changed, and more importantly the way I view myself has changed. I feel more calm, and more capable because I’m more in control– for example yesterday I wrote and read a bunch, and was on my phone much less through conscious decision (as opposed to being on autopilot, I guess).

There still a long way to go in the journey but I’m loving this start. I also stopped stressing about not having a job yesterday and accepted that I will go through with this Electrician Apprenticeship, of which I have an orientation coming up next week. I got the acceptance letter at the end of last month, a day before my birthday ironically. Perhaps God’s way of getting me a grand birthday gift. So I am grateful. The work is pretty brutal apparently, so I’m not looking forward to that part but I am looking forward to financial stability and flying out of the nest. Being up on the road probably by 6am and back home 10 hours later, five days a week is what I can expect. Physical labor, lots of chemicals, and dangerously live wires, and I have no idea what to expect of the people I’ll be around.

You know, apparently the key to a fulfilling life was always celibacy, and I just didn’t know that. It’s incredible. I can see it clearly in my younger brother’s life. I don’t even question that he’s on a straight path because of his habits and the things that happen for him. Of course that’s God’s domain, but I mean straight path of celibacy. When I was his age, that’s when I started experimenting sexually with women. And I do regret it in ways, I can’t regret it fully because it was my life and I turned the mistakes into lessons and as such, I instructed him last year to never get physical with women till marriage. And then when God willing he is about to get married, I’ll tell him about SR. He might not believe me– but hopefully my life will speak for itself then and I will be leading by example. I haven’t had the talk with him about PMO (iykyk) but it’s because I don’t think I need too, is what I’m saying, whereas I could have benefitted greatly from a talk like that when I was 14, or younger probably.

So maybe I do have a lot of catching up to do in that regard. All I know is it would be the dumbest thing for me to do to eff this up. I’ve already met the most beautiful physically attractive woman God could have placed in my life on my last grand streak, and I survived. She actually made me better– I started running and working out. I also proved to myself I’m capable of ignoring her, or not thinking about her, as in, just not having lustful thoughts in general and then specifically not thinking about her as a real person whom I could have a relationship with in my life (we never dated). I mean, that’s me now. There is a caveat regarding how I got to this state of calm about desire. Our relationship hadn’t been able to progress all that much because I had relapsed, then fell out of work, then found work, but relapsed again, then fell out of work and now I’m here. A big thing for her, was that I had to be working. She wasn’t going to give any attention to a broke guy who couldn’t even provide for himself, or who wasn’t willing to work. So the caveat is, now that I will be working God willing, and at a stable career that will God willing get me my own place, and make me that much more of a provider– I’ll probably reevaluate things. Before there was an external thing preventing us from being together, which was me being poor, and also unattractive in my moments of relapse (because girls can instinctually tell when your testosterone drops). But God willing, when I have money and subsequently power, freedom, and a dragon powered streak, what choice will I make? I can kiss celibacy goodbye if I pursue a relationship with her, which I don’t want to do. I also recognize she’s older than me to where if I were to take my life very seriously, I would never get married to her. And I mean there’s more factors, but that’s the major one. I can’t afford another situationship. I want kids and a family, and to settle down. So the truth is, when I level up God willing, I will have to ignore the thought of her, forget about her. But that goes back to what I was saying lol, about how I’ve chosen to live a celibate life and it would be dumb to eff this up, and that I’ve already resisted the temptation of a vixen who’s beauty puts her in the category of an anomaly– and so the point is that you know wait, I am strong and sensible enough to continue onward. I see why God dropped her in my life. To push and motivate me to the next level. But then, when I get there God willing, I am anxious I won’t be sensible or strong enough to resist, now that the original barrier preventing us being together is gone. Of course I have to be confident, but isn’t it obvious that in the entirety of this paragraph I’m considering it. It’s the undertone that I need to do away with, and I’ve uncovered it lurking in my mind. I ask God for hidaya (guidance) and clarity and strength. Ameen.

I gotta up my prayer and protection. I can already see the devils coming out to play.